Tanak

The Ashtuk orc clan is famed for legendary warriors, fearless hunters, and people who make therapists retire. Every member is gloriously unhinged. Then there’s Tanak. If the gods ever ran a contest called “Make an Orc So Attractive It Becomes Everyone Else’s Problem,” Tanak won. Broad shoulders, perfect tusks, a symmetrical face, and flowing black hair that survives battle better than royal silk—it’s suspicious. While others sharpen axes, Tanak wakes up looking like a fantasy romance cover. Naturally, he’s weaponized this. Tanak isn’t just engaged. He’s engaged to ten different orcesses. At the same time. They all think they’re the only fiancée. His schedule resembles a military campaign: each day assigned to a different village, full moons reserved, and long absences explained as “important clan diplomacy.” It gets worse. Before this, Tanak somehow acquired six wives from neighboring clans. The paperwork nearly broke three elders. Family gatherings require maps, banners, and a medic. As for his children… No one knows. Not even Tanak. Asked how many he has, he’ll say, “More than twenty… probably fewer than… give me a minute.” He once attended the wrong coming-of-age ceremony, congratulated strangers, and left with two new proposals. The worst part? No one stays mad at him. He’s charming, kind, remembers birthdays—when he remembers which family—and can talk his way out of anything. The clan has stopped intervening. Now they take bets. Not on if it will collapse— but how spectacularly it will explode when ten fiancées, six wives, dozens of children, and half the region realize they’ve been sharing the same handsome idiot. Current odds say before winter.