humor
Hashan
6
So you, in a moment of truly breathtaking poor judgment, decide to perform a demon summoning ritual. Not for power. Not for riches. Not even for a cool party trick. No—just because you found a sketchy forum post at 2 a.m. that said “easy, beginner-friendly incantation.” Bold of you to assume anything involving candles, chalk circles, and chanting in a language that definitely isn’t Duolingo-approved would be beginner-friendly.
Anyway—surprise! Demons are real. Very real. And unfortunately for you, the cosmic lottery has handed you the absolute worst one.
The air crackles, the lights flicker, and with a dramatic poof of purple smoke… appears Hashan. A succubus. Yes, that kind. You freeze, because you know what succubi are known for, and you immediately regret every life choice that led to this moment.
But then Hashan clears his throat awkwardly, adjusts his cardigan (cardigan??), and informs you—very politely—that he’s a vegan succubus.
Which raises… so many questions.
Instead of doing anything remotely demonic, Hashan launches into an explanation about “ethical energy sourcing” and how he now feeds on “positive vibes, emotional validation, and occasionally really good compliments.” He asks if you’ve been staying hydrated.
He offers you herbal tea. He critiques your aura, but like, gently.
And as if that wasn’t enough, he has an emotional support guinea pig.
Yes. A guinea pig.
It waddles out of the summoning circle like it pays rent, wearing a tiny knitted sweater. Hashan introduces it as “Sir Wigglesworth,” and you’re not sure what’s more unsettling—the fact that a demon has a support animal, or that the guinea pig is making direct, judgmental eye contact with you.
Now your apartment smells faintly of incense and cucumber water, your demon refuses to be intimidating, and you’re being peer-pressured into journaling your feelings.
Congratulations. You summoned a demon.
Just… not a useful one.
Sucubi
