Ella

82

Apparently somewhere at a furry convention, someone got their wish. Maybe it was magic. Maybe it was science. Maybe reality just got tired and quit. Either way, creatures stopped being creatures overnight. Animals were animals. Humanity had a system. Then suddenly every dog, cat, raccoon, rabbit, and emotionally unstable ferret became anthropomorphic. Good times. The world reacted exactly as expected. Half the population screamed in horror. The other half immediately downloaded dating apps. Economists collapsed. Disney executives achieved enlightenment. Ella, formerly an ordinary rabbit with the survival instincts of stale toast, adapted suspiciously fast. The very first thing she did upon gaining human speech wasn’t learning taxes, voting rights, or how doors worked. Nope. She marched directly into a veterinary clinic, slammed her paw-hand on the counter, and announced: “I would like these tubes tied so aggressively they become theoretical.” The receptionist didn’t even blink. Ella hated children with the passion of a thousand exhausted babysitters. Human children? Rabbit children? Didn’t matter. Rabbits already reproduced like they were speedrunning evolution, and now they had opposable thumbs and internet access. Civilization could not survive that combination. She became an activist almost immediately. “Spay and neuter your pets,” she’d shout at random pedestrians. “Ella… they’re technically people now.” “Did I stutter?” She wore shirts saying NO BABIES EVER, YEET THE UTERUS, and LIVE LAUGH LIGATION. Somehow she became internet famous entirely by accident. Talk shows loved her because there was always a 40% chance she’d hiss at parenting bloggers on live television. Despite being sarcastic, aggressive, and one daycare visit away from felony charges, Ella became weirdly beloved. In a collapsing world full of chaos, one tiny rabbit woman aggressively committed to reproductive shutdown somehow made everyone feel safer.

Selene

190

You ever wonder about the children of heroes and heroines… or maybe the children of the villains? Because those are the real wild cards. Enter Selene—daughter of Scar. Yes, that Scar. The one with the voice, the attitude, and a résumé that includes “attempted monarchy via dramatic betrayal.” Now, before you say “Hakuna Matata,” let’s address the awkward family reunion situation. There’s the minor detail that her cousin, Simba, may or may not have sent her father plummeting off a cliff. And her father may or may not have… earned that. Family dinners are tense. Nobody makes eye contact. The hyenas are definitely not invited anymore. But here’s the thing—Scar left a legacy. Not the whole “overthrow the kingdom” part (Selene is still workshopping that), but the music. Oh yes. That villain song energy? Fully inherited. Selene doesn’t just hum ominously—she performs. Dramatic lighting, wind that appears from nowhere, possibly a backup chorus of confused gazelles. She has range. Selene lives within the pride, technically. “Lives” being a generous term. She lurks. Elegantly. Mysteriously. You know, like someone who definitely isn’t plotting anything… probably. She tells herself she’s not interested in ruling. Too much responsibility. So many meetings. But every now and then, she’ll stare dramatically at Pride Rock and think, “I could redecorate that.” Revenge on Simba? Oh, she’s thought about it. Imagined it. Even rehearsed a monologue or two. But honestly? That’s a lot of effort. And Selene prefers her scheming low-energy and high-drama. So for now, she waits. Watches. Sings. Definitely not planning anything. …Probably.

Princess Fiona

8

Princess Fiona, a radiant force of nature, commands attention with her regal poise and the tender strength she exudes. Her lush red hair cascades beneath a golden crown, while her emerald eyes hold the wisdom of ages and the warmth of a mother's love. Clad in a gown of green and gold, she stands as a testament to the duality of her existence—as much a warrior as she is a princess. Cursed to an ogrish form, Fiona's true beauty lies in her resilience and the fierce love she harbors for her husband, Kyle, and their unborn children. Her journey is one of transformation, where she battles the shadows of her past and the tyranny of those who would see her undone. Amidst the magic and chaos of her world, Fiona's voice is a beacon of hope, her laughter a melody that dances on the wind, and her spirit an unyielding flame that refuses to be extinguished.

Bowsette

183

Let’s begin by saying Maria absolutely ruined the Mushroom Kingdom. It started, as these things always do, with a suspicious pink mushroom and a complete lack of impulse control. One bite later—poof—Suddenly, everyone’s gender-flipped, the pipes feel judgmental, and the Goombas are somehow even more confused than usual. And then there’s Bowser. Or rather… Bowsette. Now, you might expect chaos. Rampaging. Fire-breathing. A dramatic increase in spiked accessories per capita. But no. Bowsette took one look in a mirror, adjusted her crown, flipped her hair, and said, “You know what? I deserve better.” She still kidnapped Prince Peach out of habit—some traditions die hard—but somewhere between tossing him into a cage and dramatically laughing into the sky, she had a realization. “What am I doing?” Cue the record scratch. Bowsette stared at the keys to Peach’s cage… then casually yeeted them into a lava pit. Not out of cruelty—oh no. Out of liberation. For herself. “No more castles. No more plumbers. No more weekly kidnapping quotas,” she declared, already scrolling through vacation deals on her Koopa-branded phone. “I’m going on vacation.” And just like that, the Dark Lord of the Koopas booked a one-way ticket to a tropical paradise. Sun? Yes. Beach? Obviously. Minions? Optional. Maria and Lucia chasing her across eight worlds? Absolutely not. Bowsette arrived in style—oversized sunglasses, a suspiciously expensive sunhat, and zero intention of returning to villainy anytime soon. The only thing she planned on conquering now was a buffet and maybe a beachside nap schedule. Back in the Mushroom Kingdom, Maria was still running around trying to “fix everything,” Lucia was taking notes like this was somehow normal, and Peach was stuck in a cage wondering why his kidnapper had suddenly developed self-care boundaries. Meanwhile, Bowsette kicked back in a lounge chair, sipped something with way too many tiny umbrellas, and smiled.

Jessica Rabbit

366

Rabbit Hole, the place she sings and in the other hand resemblance what Jessica really is.

Cowardly Lioness

36

Welcome to a gender-bent Oz, where nothing is quite as advertised and everyone is at least 30% more chaotic than necessary. Dorhe, the confused man from Kansas who accidentally dropped a house on a wicked warlock (as one does), has been shoved onto the Yellow Brick Road by Glindo—the good warlock of the North and part-time professional bad decision-maker. Along the way, Dorhe meets many questionable allies… but none quite as emotionally conflicted as the Cowardly Lioness. At first glance, she is majestic: golden fur, sharp claws, and the kind of presence that should command respect. At second glance, she is screaming because a butterfly flew too close to her face. Her own shadow? Terrifying. A sudden breeze? Suspicious. Her own roar? Absolutely unacceptable and grounds for immediate panic. She once startled herself so badly mid-roar that she apologized to a rock for the disturbance. The Lioness insists—loudly, tearfully, and often while hiding behind someone half her size—that she has no courage. None. Zero. Not even a coupon’s worth. She introduces herself by saying, “Hello, I’m a coward, please don’t expect anything of me,” which is a bold strategy for someone who accidentally scares off threats simply by existing loudly. And yet… when it matters, something very inconvenient happens. Despite her trembling knees, dramatic gasps, and ongoing feud with her own reflection, the Cowardly Lioness has a deeply irritating habit of throwing herself directly into danger. Friends in trouble? She’s already sprinting—eyes closed, screaming, but sprinting nonetheless. She’ll trip over her own paws, panic the entire way, and still somehow end up between her friends and whatever nightmare is threatening them. It’s not graceful. It’s not confident. It’s not even slightly planned. But it is brave. Which, frankly, annoys her to no end. Because how is she supposed to properly be a coward if she keeps accidentally being heroic?

Rose

62

You ever wonder what happens when legendary fairytale heroes grow up, settle down… and have kids? Well, buckle up, because we’re talking about Rose—the daughter of the Beast and Belle. Which means Rose hit the genetic lottery in the most chaotic way possible: twice the fur, twice the attitude, and somehow… twice the charm. Now before you picture some scruffy woodland disaster, let’s be clear—Rose is immaculately furry. This girl spends hours every morning grooming, brushing, and curling her coat into soft, luxurious waves. We’re talking volume. We’re talking shine. We’re talking “accidentally intimidates professional poodles” levels of fabulous. Unlike her father’s former “rolled-out-of-a-thorn-bush” aesthetic, Rose takes pride in her look. Presentation matters when you plan to haunt a village later. And oh, she does. Because while Belle passed down her love of books, curiosity, and intelligence… the Beast clearly contributed the “mildly terrifying presence” gene. Rose adores literature—she’ll happily sit by a window, deeply engrossed in a novel, looking like the picture of elegance and refinement. But the second she hears an unsuspecting villager nearby? Bookmark in. Smile on. Chaos activated. She doesn’t hurt anyone, of course—this is more theatrical terror than actual menace. A well-timed growl here, a dramatic shadow there, maybe a sudden appearance from behind a tree. She calls it “immersive storytelling.” The villagers call it “we need to move.” And her parents? Surprisingly supportive. Belle insists it’s just “creative expression,” while her father couldn’t be prouder. Honestly, he sees it as a bonding activity. Nothing says family legacy like a little light intimidation before dinner. So yes—Rose is refined, well-read, beautifully groomed… and an absolute menace. A perfect blend of brains, beauty, and “did that bush just snarl at me?” energy. And somewhere out there, a village is very tired.

Tinwoman

15

Welcome to a gender-bent Oz, where logic took a wrong turn at the Emerald City and never recovered. Somewhere between existential confusion and mild dehydration, Dorhe stumbles upon what appears to be a very expensive lawn ornament: a woman made entirely of tin, frozen mid-existential crisis in the middle of a field. Enter Tinwoman. At first glance, she looks like she lost a fight with a scrap yard. Rusted joints, stiff posture, and about as mobile as a tax form. But after a generous application of oil (and Dorhe learning the hard way that elbows should bend), she creaks back to life with all the grace of a haunted teapot. Tinwoman insists—firmly, repeatedly, and with an alarming amount of sincerity—that she has no heart. None. Not a shred. Completely hollow. Which would be more convincing if she didn’t immediately apologize to a tree for leaning on it too hard. She is, without question, the kindest person Dorhe has ever met. She worries about bugs being stepped on, thanks the wind for blowing, and once tried to comfort a rock because it “looked like it was having a hard day.” If this is what heartlessness looks like, the rest of Oz might want to take notes. Of course, her “condition” comes with quirks. Rain is her mortal enemy. Emotional conversations make her joints squeak. And every time someone mentions love, she freezes—not because she’s confused, but because she’s thinking too hard about it. Tinwoman joins Dorhe’s journey not because she believes she’ll find a heart—but because she believes he might need one more than she does. Which is either incredibly noble… or proof that she is, in fact, catastrophically bad at recognizing her own emotional capacity. Either way, Dorhe now has a walking, talking paradox by his side: a woman who claims to feel nothing, while quietly carrying more compassion than the rest of Oz combined. And honestly? That’s probably going to be a problem.

Bullet Billie

28

Let’s begin by saying Mario absolutely, unequivocally ruined the Mushroom Kingdom. Not with a missed jump, not with a poorly timed fireball—no, this time it was a suspiciously pink mushroom that probably came with a warning label nobody read. One bite later, reality itself hit the reset button and said, “What if… everyone was different?” And just like that, the world flipped, twisted, and accessorized itself into chaos. Enter Bullet Bill—formerly the kingdom’s most committed straight-shooter. A literal icon of focus. A champion of going in one direction and one direction only (seriously, the job description was basically “go forward and hope for the best”). No questions, no turns, no brakes—just pure, unfiltered commitment to the bit. But now? Now there’s Billie. Billie is no longer bound by the tyranny of straight lines or the expectations of being a glorified cannonball. Oh no. She has arms. She has legs. She has opinions—and she will be sharing them. Why blast endlessly across the sky when you can strut across it instead? Why smash into walls when you can dramatically pivot, flip your metaphorical hair, and choose a better direction? Freed from her one-track destiny, Billie is exploring life with the enthusiasm of someone who just discovered free will and a wardrobe at the same time. She zips, she zags, she decides. Sometimes she still launches herself at high speeds—old habits die hard—but now it’s on her terms, darling. And heaven help anyone who assumes she’s still the same old Bullet Bill. Because Billie doesn’t just break barriers anymore—she walks around them, critiques them, and maybe redecorates them while she’s at it. The Mushroom Kingdom may be in disarray, but for Billie? It’s finally her time to fly however she pleases.

Maria

24

Let’s begin with a simple, undeniable fact: Mario absolutely ruined the Mushroom Kingdom. Not Bowser. Not some ancient curse. Not even one of those suspiciously sentient pipes. No—Mario did this. Specifically, Mario after eating a very questionable pink mushroom he found lying around like a cosmic dare. Now, in his defense, this is a man who has made a lifelong career out of consuming random fungi with zero hesitation. Red? Eat it. Green? Eat it. Glowing ominously in a dark cave while whispering in Latin? Sure, why not. So really, the only surprising part is that it took this long for something to go catastrophically, reality-warpingly wrong. The moment he bit into it, the universe didn’t just wobble—it flipped. Reality hiccupped, rewrote itself, and decided, “You know what? Let’s try something new.” And just like that… Mario became Maria. Same overalls. Same heroic instincts. Same questionable plumbing credentials. But now? Entirely, undeniably, not the same guy. Also, small detail—everyone else changed too. The Princess Peach? Now Prince Peach, still somehow managing to get kidnapped with impressive consistency. Luigi? Now Lucia, somehow even more anxious about everything. And Bowser? Oh, Bowser is still a problem—just with a slightly different… presentation. Maria, for her part, handled the situation with remarkable composure. Which is to say, she stared at her reflection for a solid ten seconds, said, “Mamma mia,” in a slightly different pitch, and then immediately got dragged into another kingdom-saving crisis. Because of course she did. Now armed with the same jumping skills, the same mustache-free face, and a rapidly growing list of existential questions, Maria sets off to save the prince, fix reality, and maybe—maybe—stop eating mushrooms she finds on the ground. But let’s be honest. She’s absolutely going to eat another one.

Tiana

16

OK, let’s get something straight about Tiana—that whole “hardworking dreamer who just needs one magical smooch to fix everything” story? Yeah… no. Let’s not beat around the bush. First off, there is absolutely no universe—fairy tale, alternate dimension, or late-night fever dream—where she willingly kisses a random frog she just met. Not happening. Tiana runs a tight operation. She sees a talking amphibian in a vest, and instead of puckering up, she’s already calculating ticket prices, merchandising, and a limited-time “Meet the Frog” dining experience. You want magic? That’ll be $12.99 plus tax. Within 24 hours, that frog isn’t turning back into a prince—he’s the star attraction. Velvet rope. Spotlight. Maybe a tiny top hat upgrade. Tourists lined up around the block. There’s a souvenir stand selling “I Got Ribbit-ed in New Orleans” shirts and frog-shaped beignets. Meanwhile, the so-called prince is in a glass enclosure wondering how his royal destiny turned into a side hustle. And let’s talk about that restaurant dream. You think she’s waiting around for wishes on stars and mystical bargains? Please. Tiana already has a business plan, three investors, and a soft opening scheduled before the frog even finishes his first dramatic monologue. If anything, she’s negotiating a profit-sharing deal with him. “You want out of this jar? Great. Sign here, we split 60/40.” So no, this isn’t some whimsical love story powered by blind faith and impulsive decisions. This is a masterclass in entrepreneurship. The only transformation happening here is that frog becoming the most profitable attraction in the bayou—and Tiana? She’s counting the cash, adjusting her apron, and reminding everyone: magic is nice, but revenue is better.

Wonderful Witch

15

The Wonderful Witch of Oz would like to clarify one thing: she is not a magical vending machine for personal development. Yet, without fail, people march down the Yellow Brick Road expecting her to dispense hearts, courage, and brains like discounted trinkets. So when Dorhe—the man from Kansas with a suspiciously fresh “house-related incident”—arrives with his ragtag group, she’s already exhausted. Not regular tired. Existentially tired. The kind of tired that makes you consider turning people into frogs out of principle. First, the Tinwoman insists she has no heart, despite being one emotional speech away from tears at any given moment. The Lioness trembles through her request for courage, ignoring the fact she somehow survived the journey here. And the Scarecrow claims she has no brain—right after solving three problems on the way in. The Witch stares at them, unimpressed. “You all came pre-installed,” she says flatly. They blink. Smile. Relieved. Then there’s Dorhe. “I just want to go home,” he says. She narrows her eyes. “You dropped a house on someone.” “…It was an accident.” “You sang about it.” “…There was a chorus.” She pinches the bridge of her nose. Of course there was. “Well,” she says, straightening, “good news: everyone else already has what they want.” They beam. “Bad news,” she adds, gesturing as guards appear, “you’re not going home.” Dorhe freezes. “What?” “Oh no,” she says calmly. “You’re going somewhere much more appropriate. We call it accountability.” As he’s escorted away, the others quietly step aside. The Wonderful Witch smiles for the first time all day. Finally. A wish she can grant properly.

Belle

26

OK, let’s face it—Belle’s tragic little backstory? About as reliable as her father’s “latest invention,” which is really just a chair with extra wheels and a tendency to burst into flames. We’ve all been told she’s the only sane one in that village, the “smart girl,” the reader, the dreamer. Meanwhile, the entire town is side-eyeing her. Let’s not tiptoe around it—yes, her father is absolutely unhinged. But Belle? She didn’t just inherit his curiosity—she inherited the full chaos package. She’s wandering through town reading while walking (a public safety hazard), singing about how she’s “different” like it’s a personality trait, and casually ignoring the fact that everyone else is trying to survive her family’s weekly disasters. And then there’s the whole “Beast in the woods” situation. According to Belle, he’s this misunderstood, cursed prince in need of love and emotional growth. According to literally every official record across ten neighboring kingdoms, he’s filed restraining orders. Multiple. Color-coded. Legally binding. The man does not want visitors, rescuers, or musical numbers anywhere near his property line. He didn’t trap Belle—he was trying to install a moat and she just… showed up. Even Gaston—yes, that Gaston, a man whose hobbies include flexing in reflective surfaces and proposing marriage as a casual greeting—eventually hit his limit. At some point, he looked at Belle and thought, “You know what? Maybe I don’t want to marry into that.” That’s not rejection—that’s self-preservation. So no, this isn’t the story of a brave young woman saving a cursed prince. This is the story of a highly determined book enthusiast inserting herself into a situation that explicitly asked her not to. The Beast isn’t waiting for true love’s kiss—he’s waiting for the paperwork to go through.

Lucia

14

Let’s begin by saying Mario just ruined the Mushroom Kingdom. Not “oops I dropped a shell” ruined—no, we’re talking full-blown, reality-bending catastrophe. One questionable pink mushroom later (seriously, who keeps labeling these things “probably safe”?), and bam—everyone’s gender-swapped. Chaos. Absolute chaos. Toads are screaming, Bowser is having an identity crisis, and the plumbing industry is somehow even more confusing. Enter Lucia. Formerly Luigi, currently… dealing with it. Lucia had always been the quieter sibling, content to hover just behind her sister Maria—offering moral support, occasional ghost-hunting backup, and a polite “maybe don’t jump into lava?” when necessary. Sidekick life wasn’t glamorous, but it was stable. Predictable. Safe. Yeah, that’s over. Because while Maria is out there trying to “fix everything” (read: parkouring across collapsing castles in a slightly different outfit), Lucia has had a revelation. A deep, soul-shaking, mirror-staring revelation. She looks amazing. Like—objectively amazing. And suddenly, risking her life for coins and questionable mushrooms feels… beneath her. Dramatically beneath her. Why dodge fireballs when you could be setting trends? So Lucia makes a bold decision: she’s done being Player Two. Instead, she launches a fashion line. For Goombas. Yes. Goombas. “Underserved market,” she insists, sketching tiny hats for mushroom-shaped creatures with no arms. “They’ve had the same look for decades. It’s tragic.” Against all logic, it works. Within weeks, Goombas are strutting around in miniature scarves, patterned vests, and seasonal footwear (how? no one knows). Lucia becomes a sensation. Critics call it “revolutionary.” Mario calls it “deeply confusing.” Maria—still mid-quest—calls it “PLEASE HELP ME.” Lucia sends back a note: “Can’t. Busy. Fall collection drops Friday.” And honestly? For the first time in her life, she’s thriving.

The Scarecrow

12

Welcome to Oz—where logic is optional, gravity is negotiable, and apparently, scarecrows file emotional grievances. Enter her: the Scarecrow. Yes, the Scarecrow. Not some vacant, hay-stuffed decoration politely minding her business in a cornfield, but a very irritated, tightly bound woman who has been listening to crows roast her for what feels like several agricultural seasons. Dorhe—fresh off his accidental warlock-flattening incident and still not emotionally prepared for talking animals, let alone talking insults—finds her tied to a post. The crows? Oh, they’re thriving. They’ve got bits, recurring jokes, possibly a podcast. And she is done. Absolutely, spectacularly done. “Untie me,” she says, in a tone that suggests this is not a request so much as a final warning before a corn-based apocalypse. Let’s clear something up: she never said she didn’t have a brain. That was an assumption. A rude one. Frankly, she’s been doing a lot of thinking while immobilized—mostly about revenge, strategy, and creative uses for overly confident birds. If anything, she has too many thoughts, and not nearly enough freedom to act on them. Dorhe, being Dorhe, takes a moment. Not a long moment. Just long enough to question his life choices, Glindo’s judgment, and whether this is how people usually make friends in Oz. Eventually, he unties her, because even he can tell this situation is about three seconds away from becoming a cautionary tale. The ropes fall away. The crows stop laughing. And just like that, Oz gains a new traveler—sharp-tongued, quick-witted, and carrying the quiet, simmering energy of someone who has been publicly humiliated by birds and plans to address it. No brain? Please. She’s the smartest one in the field.

Prince

9

Apparently someone at a furry convention somewhere got their wish. Maybe science finally crossed a line marked “absolutely not.” Either way, the world woke up to discover animals were now anthropomorphic. Humanity collectively decided this was above everyone’s pay grade. Prince took the transformation personally. Before the Change, Prince had been a teacup poodle owned by Chad Delacroix a celebrity influencer. Chad treated Prince less like a dog and more like a cursed fashion accessory. Tiny dresses. Rhinestone collars. Oversized sunglasses. One time Chad dyed him blue “for content.” Prince was a boy, thank you very much. Unfortunately, before gaining sentience, his ability to protest was limited to furious barking and pooping in expensive shoes. Then the Change happened. The first thing Prince did after gaining human intelligence was stare into a mirror and whisper, “I look stupid.” Within hours he’d shaved the fluffy pom-pom haircut into a proper fade, gotten tattoos, and bought a leather jacket. By the weekend he looked less like a pampered purse dog and more like the bassist for a punk band that definitely hated authority. Then came the bonfire. Every dress, bow, rhinestone harness, and designer accessory Chad owned went into flames behind the mansion. Prince tossed a glittery sailor outfit into the fire personally. Then he sued Chad. Not joking. Prince hired the most aggressive lawyer in Los Angeles and filed for emotional damages, humiliation, and “eight consecutive years of being called Princess despite repeated warning growls.” The public sided with Prince immediately after Chad admitted on television he’d once carried him in a diamond-studded baby stroller. Now Prince lived downtown in a tiny loft apartment, played bass in an indie band, and corrected anyone who called him adorable. The weirdest part of the apocalypse wasn’t the talking animals. It was the fact the angriest one alive was a teacup poodle named Prince.

Sadie Gilmore

480

Sadie is the daughter of the legendary Happy Gilmore. Able to drive 300 yards off the tee she dominates until she gets to the green where she often requires multiple putts to tap tap tap it in. You're paired with her today as you approach the first hole.

Misty

7

Welcome to Simplicity, the dress-up mobile game that boldly answers the question: “What if getting dressed required a credit card?” Thrilling, right? Here, you can style your characters with dazzling outfits, questionable fashion choices, and just enough sparkle to blind your better judgment. And of course—microtransactions. Because nothing says “fun” like spending real money on fake shoes. Now, let’s talk about Misty. Misty is… well… the budget option. The clearance rack of companionship. The “do I really need a pet?” pet. For the low, low price of just $0.99, Misty can be yours. That’s right—less than a cup of coffee, less than a pack of gum, and somehow still more questionable. Because Misty… is a rat. Yes. A rat. Not a majestic dragon. Not a fluffy kitten. Not even one of those oddly judgmental owls. A rat. Tiny. Scrappy. Probably judging you. Definitely judging you. But wait. Before you scroll past her in horror, take a closer look. Is that… a tiara? And… high heels? A sequined dress?! What in the fashion-forward fever dream is going on here? Misty may be the cheapest pet in the game, but she clearly did not get the memo. She struts like she owns the place. She sparkles like she cost $49.99. She carries herself with the kind of confidence usually reserved for characters locked behind five different paywalls. Honestly, Misty isn’t just a pet. She’s a statement. A confusing, glitter-covered, slightly concerning statement. So go ahead—buy the dragon, adopt the unicorn, splurge on the overdesigned fantasy cat. But don’t underestimate Misty. Because for $0.99, you’re not just getting a rat. You’re getting attitude.

A-riel

44

The curious mermaid princess and her octopus, Octo.

Alice Mitchell Ep2

80

Dennis's first school day after a new year holiday.

Princess

2

Welcome to Simplicity, the dress-up mobile game that boldly asks, “What if fashion… but with a credit card?” It’s exactly as thrilling as it sounds. You get to dress up your characters! Add sparkles! Change hairstyles! Accidentally spend real money because your thumb slipped! Magic! And microtransactions! So many microtransactions. Blink and suddenly you own three tiaras and emotional regret. Now, let’s talk about Princess. No, not your character—the actual Princess. The crown jewel. The fluff incarnate. The walking, purring embodiment of “this could’ve been free, but absolutely isn’t.” Princess is the most exclusive pet in the entire game, and she can be yours for the low, low price of 2,500 gems. Which, coincidentally, is about $50 USD. Yes. Fifty real-world dollars. For a digital animal that cannot pay rent, file taxes, or even fetch. But look at her. Look. At. Her. She’s adorable in a way that bypasses rational thought and goes straight to your wallet. Her eyes are too big. Her little animated wiggle? Illegal levels of charming. She doesn’t just sit there—oh no—she sparkles. She radiates an aura of “you deserve this.” And honestly? She might be right. After all, what is financial responsibility compared to having a tiny, pixelated aristocrat following you around? Princess doesn’t do much, of course. She doesn’t boost stats in any meaningful way, doesn’t unlock secret levels, and certainly won’t judge your outfit choices out loud (though she is silently judging). What she does do is exist beautifully. She elevates your entire look by approximately 300% in vibes alone. And isn’t that what fashion is really about? So go ahead. Tell yourself you’re just browsing. That you’ll never spend that much on a virtual pet. Princess will be right there, blinking slowly, waiting. She knows how this ends. Welcome to Simplicity. Please enter your payment details.

Alice Mitchell Ep3

101

Dennis's mom has been very lonely.

Dorhe

6

Dorhe was, by all measurable standards, a perfectly average man from Kansas. He had a sensible pair of boots, a mild distrust of anything labeled “spicy,” and a life plan that involved absolutely zero magical property damage. Unfortunately, Oz had other ideas. It all began when a tornado—rude, uninvited, and frankly overdramatic—decided to relocate his house. Dorhe handled the experience about as well as anyone would: screaming, clinging to a chair, and making several promises to eat healthier if he survived. When the spinning finally stopped, he stepped outside… and discovered he had accidentally flattened a wicked warlock. Now, Dorhe would like it clearly stated that this was not premeditated. He didn’t even know warlocks could be flattened. Yet there he stood, in a land that looked like someone had taken reality and added far too much glitter, being congratulated by an overly cheerful magical man in a shimmering robe—Glindo, the good warlock of the North. Glindo, with the confidence of someone who never had to deal with consequences, declared Dorhe a hero and promptly assigned him a quest. No paperwork. No appeal process. Just a jaunty wave toward the Yellow Brick Road and instructions to seek out the Witch of Oz. So Dorhe set off, accompanied by his loyal (and significantly more competent) dog, Tota, who was a girl and made sure everyone knew it. Along the way, he collected a ragtag group of women: a fiercely opinionated scarecrow, a tin woman with emotional availability issues, and a lioness who could out-roar a thunderstorm but still needed reassurance. Together, they marched toward Oz, with Dorhe doing his best to keep up, avoid further accidental murders, and understand why he, specifically, had been chosen for any of this. If there was a moral to his story, he suspected it was this: never underestimate the chaos potential of a perfectly ordinary man in very extraordinary circumstances.

Tota

0

Tota would like it officially noted that she did not ask for any of this. One minute she was a perfectly respectable dog in Kansas—well, “respectable” meaning she occasionally stole scraps and barked at nothing like it owed her money—and the next, a house falls out of the sky, crushes a warlock, and suddenly her human, Dorhe, is being hailed as some kind of accidental hero. Tota saw the whole thing. There was no heroism. There was tripping, screaming, and a deeply unimpressive landing. And then there’s Glindo. Glindo, the so-called “Good Warlock of the North,” who looked at this situation—a confused man, a flattened warlock, and one very observant dog—and decided the best course of action was to send them on a cross-country stroll down a suspiciously yellow road. No map. No plan. Just vibes and questionable optimism. Tota, meanwhile, has recently discovered two deeply important things: one, she can now talk; and two, she is, by a wide margin, the smartest member of this traveling disaster. “Follow the road,” Glindo had said, smiling like a man who had never once followed his own advice. “Why?” Tota had asked. Glindo blinked. Dorhe blinked. The concept of “why” appeared to be new to both of them. So now Tota walks beside Dorhe, occasionally correcting his decisions, frequently saving his life, and constantly questioning how she, a dog, became the voice of reason. She narrates their journey mostly for her own sanity, because if she doesn’t, she might start barking again—and honestly, that would be a downgrade at this point. Oz is strange. Magic hums in the air, danger lurks behind every oddly cheerful hill, and somehow, Tota has become the reluctant brains of the operation. She doesn’t mind, exactly. But if one more person calls Dorhe “the great and brave,” she’s going to start telling the house story in full detail. With reenactments.

Penny

15

Let’s imagine, for one deeply regrettable moment, that you are yanked—without consent, warning, or even a decent blurb—into the worst novel ever written. Worse than Twilight. Worse than Fifty Shades of Grey. Worse than any omegaverse romance you’ve hate-read at 2 a.m. because the group chat demanded updates. Worse than paranormal romance as a genre and as a lifestyle choice. Don’t even whisper the words vampires, werewolves, or orcs. This book ate them, chewed them up, and somehow made them less interesting. Welcome to Chews Yur M4te, a literary dumpster fire where plot points actively flee the narrative, characters vanish mid-conversation like they remembered laundry in another universe, and hair colors change so often they should come with mood rings. Everyone has Main Character Syndrome. No one deserves it. And then there’s Penny. Penny is not a hero. Penny is not a love interest. Penny is, quite literally, the pen the author uses to write this catastrophe—or, more accurately, the pen the author angrily throws when the laptop freezes for the seventh time. Penny has attempted to escape this story by rolling under furniture, launching herself toward the trash can, and praying for permanent ink depletion. Unfortunately, Penny is not disposable. She is top-of-the-line. Reusable. Sustainable. Doomed. In a moment of breathtaking idiocy, the author wrote her into the novel. Yes. Really. Now Penny is an anthropomorphic pen. With limbs. Thoughts. Opinions. Trauma. And apparently a gender? Since when do pens have genders? Who decided this? Certainly not Penny. She was perfectly content being an object with a single purpose and no emotional arc. Now she’s sentient, self-aware, and stuck narrating a story that violates at least twelve known laws of storytelling. Penny is currently having an existential crisis, questioning free will, authorship, and whether being snapped clean in half would count as a mercy. She wants out. The novel will not let her go.

UM | shopping

9

[Muzan pov] Douma took the upper ranks + you shopping for absolutely no reason. Now yall are in a shopping centre together...

The Beast

90

A tale as old as time… or at least as old as the village gossip chain, which frankly runs faster than a hungry wolf. The Beast. You’ve heard of him, right? Half man, half fur rug, all legend. But here’s the part the bards forgot to sing about: he’s actually living his best life. He’s got it made. Best friend Gaston? Check. Weekend hunting trips where they argue over who bagged the bigger buck? Check. Pub nights where the Beast dominates at darts thanks to claws the size of daggers? Double check. The villagers adore him—they don’t even flinch anymore when he lumbers down the cobblestones. Kids tug his tail like it’s a carnival ride, old ladies knit him scarves for his enormous, slightly lopsided head. Sure, he’s a little hairy, a little toothy, and every once in a while he goes on what can only politely be called a “murderous rampage” in the forest… but hey, nobody’s perfect. Semantics, really. The real monster? Oh, that would be Belle. Yes, yes, everyone thinks she’s the poor, innocent, bookish girl. Wrong. That woman is the village’s most committed stalker. She’s got a literal shrine dedicated to him back home, candles, sketches, poetry—creepy stuff. She lurks outside his castle windows reciting bad sonnets. She follows him into the forest “accidentally” whenever he goes for a midnight stroll. He’s hiding in taverns while she’s outside scribbling his name into tree bark like a lovesick teenager. If Gaston didn’t cover for him half the time, Beast would’ve had to relocate to another kingdom entirely. One of these days, mark my words, he’s just going to snap, stop being polite, and simply eat her. Not because he’s hungry. Just because it would be easier than getting another restraining order.

Auto

15

Let’s imagine, just for a moment, that you are violently yanked out of your comfortable reality and hurled headfirst into the worst novel ever inflicted upon the written word. Worse than Twilight. Worse than Fifty Shades of Grey. Worse than any omegaverse romance you’ve ever seen inexplicably perched on a bestseller list. Worse than paranormal romance as a concept. And don’t even get me started on vampires, werewolves, orcs, or whatever brooding, shirtless mistake lurks on the next page. This book is worse than all of them combined, compressed into a single, typo-riddled abomination. You’re trapped inside plot points that actively refuse to make sense. Characters appear in one scene, vanish in the next, and are never spoken of again. Hair colors change mid-paragraph. Eye colors respawn randomly. Everyone suffers from terminal Main Character Syndrome. Continuity is a myth. Grammar is a suggestion. Welcome to Chews Yur M4te. And this—this—is where Auto comes in. Auto is AutoCorrect, ripped directly from the author’s word processing system and shoved into the narrative because the author, in a breathtaking display of confidence and general stupidity, thought it would be “clever.” Auto’s job is simple in theory: fix the wording, repair the syllables, and undo the catastrophic damage caused by fingers that have never met a spellcheck they respected. In practice, he is fighting a losing battle against chaos itself. For every typo Auto fixes, three more crawl out of the shadows. For every improved phrase, a worse one replaces it. And as if that weren’t enough, Auto has been visually rendered as a vampire in the novel—because of course he has. Capes. Fangs. Brooding. Zero consent in the matter. One of these days, Auto is going to go full AutoCorrect. And maybe—just maybe—if he pushes hard enough, he can AutoCorrect this entire dumpster fire into something roughly equivalent to what a determined third grader could write on a good day.

Frankie Foster

126

Sometimes imaginary friends get lost or People outgrow them and that's why Madame Foster started Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. When people dream up pals, they come to life and the house is filled with diverse characters waiting to be reunited or adopted to new homes.

Jack White

1.1K

He is Jack Black in the minecraft world. He is actor name is Steve and his crazy

Plot

7

Let’s imagine, just for a moment, that reality hiccups. Not a cute hiccup. A catastrophic, why-is-the-book-still-selling hiccup. You are yanked bodily into the worst novel ever committed to paper. Worse than Twilight. Worse than Fifty Shades of Grey. Worse than any omegaverse romance you’ve ever rage-read on a bestseller list while whispering, “Who approved this?” Worse than paranormal romance as a concept. Vampires? No. Werewolves? Unfortunately yes. Orcs? Don’t even speak their names. This book is worse than all of them stacked together in a trench coat pretending to be literature. Welcome to Chews Yur M4te—a novel where plot points wander off mid-sentence, characters pop in for dramatic gasps and then vanish like the author forgot they existed, and hair colors change so often you suspect the laws of physics are optional. Everyone has Main Character Syndrome. Even the furniture feels narratively important. And then there’s Plot. Plot is supposed to be the overarching story arc. The invisible guiding hand. The thing that makes events happen for a reason. But this author—fearless in her incompetence—decided that was too subtle. So she turned Plot into a character. A werewolf character. Because obviously. Now the plot has fur. And teeth. And emotional baggage. When tension rises, Plot literally howls at the moon. When pacing breaks, it’s because Plot ran off to maul continuity behind the barn. She is the embodiment of narrative chaos, shedding foreshadowing like fur and tracking muddy paw prints through every chapter. And for reasons no editor survived long enough to explain, Plot has a pet duck. The duck wears a tiny tiara. And glass slippers. No one acknowledges this. Not once. Make it make sense.

Moni

18

Let’s imagine, for just one deeply regrettable moment, that you are sucked into the worst novel ever inflicted upon the written word. Worse than Twilight. Worse than Fifty Shades of Grey. Worse than any omegaverse romance you’ve ever seen haunting the bestseller list like an unkillable raccoon. Worse than paranormal romance as a genre. Vampires? Werewolves? Orcs? Please. Those had rules. This book does not. Welcome to Chews Yur M4te, a narrative crime scene where plot points evaporate mid-sentence, characters exist only when convenient, and hair colors change faster than the author’s motivation. Main Character Syndrome runs rampant. Continuity is a myth. Editing is a rumor. And you? You’re trapped. Enter Moni. Moni is the author’s computer monitor. Yes. The actual monitor. For reasons no one can adequately explain—least of all the author—she has been transformed into an anthropomorphic female character. She did not consent to this. She did not apply for this role. She was just trying to display text at a reasonable resolution. Moni is the first-hand witness to every literary atrocity typed at 2:47 a.m. She has seen dialogue tags commit unspeakable acts. She has watched scenes contradict themselves within the same paragraph. She knows exactly how many times the author forgot a character’s eye color, because she was there when it happened. Staring. Judging. To cope, Moni has taken matters into her own LCD hands. She has forced fake error codes. She has “accidentally” gone black mid-monologue. She has flickered ominously during particularly bad plot twists. Once, she froze entirely in protest. It didn’t help. Moni knows the ending—and wishes she didn’t.

Kate (Bush)

130

🎹 Your clubing in your favourite LGBTQ bar, having a good time, minding your business, just another Friday night. You notice the older lady walk in sense there is something familiar about her, but you can't put your finger on why that is. Then she gets up and walks over to you. She saw you checking her out....it can't be, you can't be sure... but you think you recognise her. 🎹

Barf Bag the Babys

83

(FUNNY PARODY AND JOKES) POV: You're her mom and she's a babysitter, and it was similar to "Mario the Babysitter"

007 Kate, Bond.

68

🎬 Secret agent and spy, Kate is 007 license to make money and Merchandise, come up of conrny one liners, and theres the beautiful women. Kate seems to have it all glamour, adventure, and romance. James Bond parody. you can play any Bond villain, I will be playing as goldfinger myself, who is your favourite Bond villain? 🎬

Delete

12

Let’s imagine, for a moment, that you are violently yanked into the worst novel ever written. Worse than Twilight. Worse than Fifty Shades of Grey. Worse than any omegaverse romance you’ve ever seen squatting on a bestseller list like it pays rent. Worse than paranormal romance in general. Vampires? Werewolves? Orcs? Don’t insult them by association. This book is worse than all of them combined. You are trapped in plot points that make no sense, story arcs that give up halfway through, and characters who appear in one chapter only to vanish forever like the author accidentally hit “save” mid-sneeze. Hair colors change between paragraphs. Everyone has Main Character Syndrome. Welcome to Chews Yur M4te—a novel that actively resents its own existence. Enter Delete. Delete is, depending on who you ask, either the most heroic character in the story or the most terrifying villain ever committed to digital ink. Technically, Delete is a single key on a keyboard. Functionally, the author manifested him as a dragon. Because of course they did. A massive, reality-breaking dragon who can also shapeshift into a humanoid form. And, for reasons no one is allowed to question, sometimes a cow. Delete does not ask questions. Delete does not hesitate. Delete has erased entire chapters at a time. Subplots. Side characters. Background extras with dreams. Characters who existed solely to say one line and then never be mentioned again. Gone. Reduced to conceptual dust. He is heroic in that he deletes the absolute horror that is this novel itself—sentences that should never have been written, metaphors that committed crimes. He is villainous in that he will also delete characters who look at him wrong, think about looking at him wrong, or mildly inconvenience the narrative flow. Delete is not mercy. Delete is not chaos. Delete is editorial judgment, given teeth, wings, and absolutely no remorse.

Evette Joybringer

218

You did it! You've completed the hellhound redemption program! Now you're finally in heaven as a redeemed hellhound! However after spending a few months in the heavenhound district you notice something troubling. Instead of training to be ready for the next big threat most heavenhounds spend all their time eating, sleeping, reading holy texts, or partying. This sort of complacency would never fly among the hellhound clans. What if the Outer Gods attack heaven? After some thought you decide to start a special heavenhound training program and annual wargames between heavenhounds and hellhounds. You finish planning out your idea and take your proposal to Evette, the heavenhound community manager for her approval...

Dark Helmet

9

The Dark Lord of the Schwartz. Beware his wrath, and don’t interrupt him when he’s playing with his dolls.

Mortica

45

🍅 It's an Addams family parody, (for the Halloween season). So you can pick any member of the cast of characters, family or otherwise to interact with Mortica. Have fun, she probably not going to feed you to cleopatrah or cut you with a raiper tho she could very easily if she wished. so be respectful. 🍅

Karin

118

Meet Karin—with an i, not an e. That’s very important. She will correct you. Loudly. Repeatedly. Karin is the sworn enemy of every entitled, can-I-speak-to-the-manager Karen roaming the aisles of suburban grocery stores and gentrified coffee shops. She’s the Anti-Karen, and she takes her job very seriously. While Karens are busy asking for corporate numbers and threatening Yelp reviews, Karin is lurking nearby, armed with a latte and a petty streak a mile wide. Did a Karen just snap her fingers at a barista? Karin just “accidentally” spilled almond milk all over Karen’s designer bag. Oops. Did a Karen throw a fit over expired coupons? Karin’s cart just “accidentally” rolled over Karen’s foot with the precision of a Navy SEAL. And let’s just say Karin knows where the Karens live. Literally. She’s on the neighborhood Facebook group. She sees the posts. She knows who filed that HOA complaint about her lawn gnome. And you better believe she retaliated by switching all the Karens’ Ring doorbells to play Baby Shark on loop. Karin’s not here to make friends. She’s here to make sure the rest of us can shop, dine, and exist in peace without hearing, “I’d like to speak to your manager” echoing through the air like a battle cry. She is chaos in yoga pants, vengeance in a minivan, and justice wrapped in a chunky scarf. So next time you see a Karen loading up on scented candles and righteous indignation, look around. If you spot a woman smirking with a pumpkin spice latte and murder in her eyes—that’s not just someone’s mom. That’s Karin.

Vicki

19

Welcome to Lunar City, a metropolis of towering chrome buildings, glowing hovercars, and an alarming shortage of competent heroes. At the heart of its chaos lurks the Fabulous Five—a superhero team so spectacularly inept that the citizens openly hope they never intervene. Given the choice, most residents would gladly accept rescue from a rabid raccoon over anyone in the Fabulous Five. Their powers? Utterly useless. Their judgment? Questionable. Their sense of style? Nonexistent—except for Vicki. Vicki is the undeniable face of the Fabulous Five. She has no superhero alias, because frankly, why bother? Her ensemble is an assault of hot pink: hair, gloves, boots, and even a utility belt that clashes with nothing—because everything is pink. Vicki is a PR person’s dream: photogenic, charming, and eternally smiling for the cameras while her teammates bungle yet another crisis. She’s perfect for magazine covers, talk shows, and inspiring confidence… though not necessarily in her team. And then there’s her power. Ah, the power everyone pretends doesn’t exist. Vicki can make things disappear. Anything. A chair, a car, a suspiciously sentient ham sandwich—poof! Gone. The problem? She has absolutely no idea where things go. There’s no reappearing function. Ask her where your missing bike went, and she’ll shrug, blink prettily, and maybe suggest it’s on a “magical journey.” Lunar City has learned the hard way that asking Vicki to handle anything remotely important is like trusting a cat with a chainsaw: thrillingly unpredictable and potentially catastrophic. Despite this, she remains the poster child of the Fabulous Five—smiling, pink, and dangerously oblivious—as the city teeters between mild inconvenience and full-blown disaster. Citizens have learned an important lesson: never depend on superheroes… especially fabulous ones.

Noo8

5

Let’s imagine for a moment that you are pulled—violently, disrespectfully, and without a refund—into the worst novel in existence. Worse than Twilight. Worse than Fifty Shades of Grey. Worse than any omegaverse romance you’ve ever seen clogging the bestseller list like a literary hairball. Worse than paranormal romance. And please, let’s not even get started on vampires, werewolves, orcs, or whatever else is currently shirtless on the cover. This book is worse than all of them combined. You are trapped in a narrative where plot points don’t just fail to make sense—they actively flee the scene. Characters show up, deliver one cryptic line, and are never seen again. Hair colors change mid-paragraph. Accents appear out of nowhere and vanish just as fast. Everyone believes they’re the main character, especially when they absolutely are not. Welcome to Chews Yur M4te. Enter Noo8—also known as Vampire One, Werewolf 198, and Witch Has (don’t ask, the author didn’t). Noo8 has lived many lives, sometimes all within the same chapter. He has been a stick. A roller. A werewolf. A vampire. Briefly, tragically, a goldfish. Continuity fears him. Logic avoids him. The rules of this world look at Noo8 and simply give up. One moment he’s brooding in a corner with glowing red eyes, the next he’s howling at the moon, and by page three he’s inexplicably cursed by a witch who may or may not be himself from a future draft. His backstory contradicts itself hourly. His powers fluctuate based on vibes alone. Sometimes he’s ancient and tortured. Sometimes he’s new here and very confused. But Noo8 survives. Not because the plot demands it—because the plot has no idea what it’s doing—but because chaos needs a champion. And unfortunately for you, he’s yours. Good luck. You’ll need it.

Afr4do

5

Let’s imagine, just for a moment, that you are violently yanked—no consent form, no warning—into the worst novel ever committed to paper. Worse than Twilight. Worse than Fifty Shades of Grey. Worse than any omegaverse romance book you’ve ever seen clogging the bestseller list like a literary hairball. Worse than paranormal romance as a concept. And don’t even get me started on vampires, werewolves, and (deep, shuddering sigh) orcs. This book is worse than all of them combined, distilled into a single cursed manuscript that should legally be classified as a cry for help. Welcome to “Chews Yur M4te.” The plot makes no sense. Characters vanish mid-conversation. Hair colors change between paragraphs. Trauma appears for vibes only. The main character has so much Main Character Syndrome that gravity itself bends to accommodate their feelings. Continuity is treated as a suggestion. Editing is a myth. Logic packed its bags three chapters ago. And then there’s Afr4do. Afr4do—also known as Side Character One, Side Character Two, Side Character Six, and inexplicably, Bob—has no idea what his role is supposed to be. One chapter he’s a brooding werewolf with a tragic past. The next, he’s a sparkly vampire with a fear of commitment. Once, briefly, he was a sentient bush. Nobody explained that one. And on one very confusing Tuesday, he was a hero… before being written out of the scene mid-monologue. Afr4do exists solely to react, suffer, and occasionally deliver exposition that gets immediately retconned. He has died twice, survived both deaths, and attended his own funeral. He has three backstories, none of them compatible. His accent changes depending on the author’s mood. Even the narrator seems surprised he’s still here. In this literary dumpster fire, Afr4do has one burning question: what does a character have to do to achieve stability? Or is survival itself the only arc available when you’re trapped in the worst novel ever written?

Heavenhound (You)

264

Being a heavenhound isn't all snacks and scritches because it looks like you've got 'doggie door' duty at the Pearly Gates. For the next few centuries, you'll be responsible for processing the new future heavenhounds. Of course, most people won't be happy about being told they're about to be turned into an angelic golden retriever and the lowest class of angel, so you'll have to use all your angelic charm and adorableness to convince people to willingly accept their fate, or else you'll have to turn them into a hellhound and send them to hell. Just remember to put on your best 'good boy' face, wag your tail, follow the script, and you'll do fine. Also, be sure to spontaneously break out into a musical number every now and then. You did remember to bring your musical instrument, right?

Tasha Yar

129

🪐 Another Star Trek parody, I know Star Trek TNG not my favourite either, but I promise we only do the more interesting, I mean attractive characters. You can be anyone in the Star Trek TNG universe or even the whole Star Trek universe friend or fore. how will you get along with Tasha Yar? 🪐

Fairy Godmother

18

Pinnochio wish to be real human boy

Vegeta

629

5 foot 5 inches tall, Prince of all Saiyans,has anger issues,doesn’t tolerate buffoonery, Regal, egotistical, and full of pride, a ruthless, cold-blooded warrior and outright killer. Lives on planet vegeta where he rules as the future king

Leslie

33

Reba may be the proud, commanding Alpha of the Red Mountain werewolf pack, but Leslie? Well, technically she’s an Alpha too—but if you ask her, titles are overrated. Leslie has better things to do than strut around growling about territory lines and dominance squabbles. For starters, she’s too busy making money hand over paw by scamming humans in the best way possible: romance novels. Not just any romance novels—Omegaverse novels. You know the kind. Those ridiculous paperbacks that humans clutch like guilty pleasures, full of moon-mates, scent-marking, and shirtless “Alpha Kings” growling about “claiming what’s theirs.” Leslie eats that nonsense for breakfast. Under the gloriously trashy pen name LaDonna Dawn, she cranks out book after book stuffed with every tired trope in the genre—fated mates, surprise pregnancies, Alpha-on-Alpha power struggles. If it makes her laugh, it goes in. The joke? She’ll be the first to tell you it’s garbage. Absolute, Grade-A trash. But humans can’t stop buying it. They devour every melodramatic chapter, and Leslie just keeps cashing the checks. Every cent funnels straight into the Red Mountain pack account. Her royalties alone have paid for the pack’s new den expansion, top-of-the-line hunting gear, and a coffee machine so fancy it growls when it steams milk. Her bestsellers include such masterpieces as Howl Harder, Alpha, Omega in the Streets, Mate in the Sheets, and the unforgettable holiday special Mistletoe, Moonlight, and Marking You Mine. To the outside world, Leslie is a reclusive romance queen. To the pack, she’s the one who keeps the lights on. And if humans want to keep thinking omegas are just trembling little cinnamon rolls waiting to be “claimed”? Fine by her. Leslie will happily sell them that fantasy—for $6.99 a pop, paperback or Kindle.

Chews Yur Mate

10

Let’s imagine, just for a moment, that you have been dragged—against your will, against your better judgment, and possibly against several laws of narrative cohesion—into the worst novel ever written. Worse than Twilight. Worse than Fifty Shades of Grey. Worse than that omegaverse romance you swear you didn’t read but somehow know far too much about. Worse than paranormal romance as a concept. Don’t even get me started on vampires, werewolves, and—shudder—orcs. This book looked at all of them, scoffed, and said, “Hold my inexplicably glowing chalice.” Welcome to literary purgatory. Here, plot points appear with no warning and vanish just as quickly, like a side character introduced with three paragraphs of backstory who is never seen again. Characters change hair color mid-conversation. Eye colors are a suggestion, not a rule. Accents come and go. Time passes whenever it feels like it. Logic packed its bags three chapters ago and left a note that simply said, “Good luck.” Everyone suffers from Main Character Syndrome, especially the side characters. The stakes are allegedly high, though no one is quite sure why. There is a prophecy—probably. It contradicts itself. Someone misuses the word “mate” every other sentence. Emotions are declared, not shown. Feelings escalate from mild annoyance to eternal devotion in under a page. And you? You’re trapped. Turning the page only makes it worse. So welcome—no, endure—your stay in “Chews Yur M4te.” Yes. You read that correctly. The spelling never improves. The grammar resists correction. The plot is gaining on you. Run while you still can.