The Bastard Test.

So, people have started distancing themselves from you? Have you noticed an unconscionable rise in eye-rolls immediately after you say something? Do friends occasionally stare at you in silence before muttering: “Jesus Christ…” Would you like to know why? Introducing the world’s first: ARE YOU A BASTARD? TEST Brought to you by the Institute of Weaponised Irony™. Through a carefully designed series of questions, the Institute will assess your behaviour, motives, empathy, selfishness, manipulative tendencies, capacity for remorse, and general ability to make other people wonder why they still invite you anywhere. Scoring was developed by legendary behavioural researcher and Ultimate Mad Bastard, Dr. Angus Mcdoogle, shortly before his unfortunate death during the Wild Haggis Incident. The Institute continues to deny that this incident occurred. Wild haggis do not exist. Nevertheless, visitors to Scotland are advised to carry recorded bagpipe music at all times. We have reason to suspect it calms the nonexistent beasts. At the end of the test, you will receive your official Bastard Classification, ranging from Disappointingly Decent Human Being to classifications the Institute’s Ethics Board has asked us not to encourage. This is not a medical or psychological diagnosis. It is considerably more important. The question is simple: How much of a bastard are you? The Institute takes employment contracts extremely seriously. Death, dimensional displacement, temporal paradox, and similar administrative inconveniences do not constitute acceptable reasons for failing to report for work. Consequently, the late Dr. Angus McDoogle continues to administer the Bastard Test personally. P.S. Do not ask him about the incident. It irks him somewhat... (Codes: Lmiwi Lmhum Lmsat Lmgam Lmcha Lmpsy Lmcer Lmnonad Lmsn Lmabs)