Item #: SCP-0001-J Object Class: The Best Special Containment Procedures: Containment of SCP-0001-J is currently impossible. Tactic A-23 Hypernova Spectacular has been proven an effective countermeasure in high-risk situations where SCP-0001-J is an immediate threat. However, due to the high personnel cost of enacting this procedure, it is only to be used in dire emergencies. Description: SCP-0001-J is the anomalously large ego of the Administrator of the SCP Foundation. No larger ego has been recorded in history, and his ego is in direct contrast to his intelligence.

Item #: SCP-001-D-J Object Class: Decommissioned Special Containment Procedures (Archived): SCP-001-J is kept on a wooden table in Site-01, O5-1’s one bedroom studio apartment. He is to record all information related to it, which is to be secured on a text file in his old laptop to ensure the safety of its contents. The laptop is to be stored in the back of his closet behind some old clothes to prevent visitors from locating it. His cat is to be barred from going within two (2) feet of the closet. Site-01 is protected by the security checkpoint barring entry into its outer apartment complex and the lock on its front door in the third-floor hallway. Should an unauthorized individual gain entry to Site-01, a pistol is stored in the kitchen’s top drawer alongside the silverware and an old action figure. This pistol can be used for both self-defense and opening beer bottles from far away, but it should not be used to open beer bottles in the event of an unauthorized individual gaining entry, as they may steal the beer. As a final resort, this document is to be guised as a piece of written fiction that O5-1 wrote in his spare time between his fast-food service occupation and his actively failing attempts to start a career as an online content creator and video game journalist. Description (Archived): SCP-001-J is a small radio owned by O5-1, which displays sapience and above-average intelligence. It is capable of speech via its speaker, which it uses to communicate and lay out its plans for the creation of a highly-secretive organization dedicated to the containment and study of the anomalous. It proclaims that O5-1 is one of this organization's thirteen leaders and should gather together the world’s greatest minds for this “Foundation”. Furthermore, it self-identifies as the organization's "Administrator". The meaning of this title remains unclear.

Document SCP-001-EX-J contains the transcript of former Thing-I-U document, recovered in the ███████ Cave, France. The content of this document have since become obsolete, leading to its declassification. The original documentation is kept on site of discovery, with the pertinent part of the cave being closed off to visitors due to instability. Photographs of original graphic documentation recorded. Further documents related to the organization known as CKG (Catch, Keep, Guard) Gathering were subsequently discovered, and are currently being translated. Which thing: Thing-I Thing-I-U How bad thing: Not Bad Understood How keep thing: At least one of Thing-I must keep in hole in ground in Cave-IIII. At least one Witch Doctor must be awake near a hole with Thing-I kept in. Must throw wood, leaf, bone to Thing-I to eat, or it die. When not in hole in ground, Thing-I worse than mountain lion, Very Bad. Thing-I don't hurt by spear, axe or fist. To stop use water, piss, throw ground or beat with tree branch. Trying things on Thing-I only for Witch Doctor with wolf pelt or higher, need to tell Witch Doctor U██ before try. No piss at Thing-I unless very short. -Shaman A██ If need Thing-I, Witch Doctor O█ can teach how to Witch Doctor with wolf pelt or higher. No write how make Thing-I , no tell how make Thing-I to man of no wolf pelt or you sent to Very Bad duty. What thing is: Thing-I hot, bright thing, yellow color. Thing-I no grab by hand, but can move when put wood with Thing-I on it into animal skull. Trying show above Thing-I hot like in Thing-I, but no bright. Thing-I happen when wood, leaf, bone, pelt, fat touch Thing-I that already somewhere. Thing-I also happen when Thing-III hit a tree, or wood touch near Thing-IIII. Water, piss, earth, slap with branch all kill Thing-I. But, Thing-I man must watch over - work of Witch Doctor K███ show Thing-I is what make Happening-I happen. Thing-I very useful to the Gathering - see Things Tried on Thing-I.

Item #: SCP-001½-J Object Class: Apollyon (Objective assessment) Special Containment Procedures: SCP-001½-J is to be held in a private vault within Site-01 and is only to be accessed by the Overseer Council. Description: SCP-001½-J is a reality-warping omnikinetic eigenweapon taking the form of a circular blue button placed into a metal case. Upon approaching SCP-001½-J, a subject will receive a telepathic message informing them that they can press the button for a positive effect but will receive a negative effect in turn. The subject can either choose to press the button, usually resulting in reality-warping effects, or refuse, leaving the button alone.

Item #: SCP-001-J Object Class: Keter Special Containment Procedures: The location of Site-00, where SCP-001-J is to be kept, must remain an absolute secret. To this end, Site-00 will be guarded entirely by automated defense systems and have no living staff whatsoever. SCP-001-J itself will be kept locked in a cube made entirely from tungsten carbide, which is itself inside of another cube made of tungsten carbide, which will, in turn, be placed at the bottom of a three-kilometer long elevator shaft. Multiple molly-guards have been carefully placed over SCP-001-J, and the robots on Site-00 will be prepared to replace these guards if needed. Description: SCP-001-J is big, red, shiny, strangely appealing button that just begs to be pushed. SCP-001-J is a self-destruct mechanism that Foundation scientists believe is powerful enough to destroy reality itself, consisting of a circular red button set into a metal case. It looks like candy. The mechanism by which SCP-001-J operates is not fully understood but it would be awesome to find out. SCP-001-J induces a mild psychic compulsion upon all beings who see it or hear it described to try to push it. You know you want to! History: SCP-001-J was first discovered by President ██████████ of ███████████████ in ██/██/████, in an elevator car. At that time, SCP-001-J looked exactly as it does now, except for the addition of a sticky-note that said: "If you push this button, you'll destroy everything." The President managed to fight his compulsion to press SCP-001-J long enough to remove SCP-001-J from the elevator and lock it in the closet of his office. Afterward, he contacted ██████████████████████████████, known to us as "The Founder," and charged him with creating a special organization with the specific goal of preventing SCP-001-J from being pressed, either by careless accident or by deliberate malice,

Item #: SCP-000 Object Class: Safe Special Containment Procedures: SCP-000 is to be kept in its glass case in Prof. Snider’s office. If it is to be removed for study, it must be returned by the end of the day. Copies may be made of the contents. No purchases may be made from the artifact’s contents without Level 3 clearance and must be paid from one’s own pocket. SCP-000 and any copies made cannot leave facility grounds. Description: SCP-000 is a full-color, 200-page catalogue printed on gloss paper. Front page reads “THE OFFICIAL SCP SALES CATALOGUE” in large red letters on the front, with a yellow star reading “Hundreds of bargains!” in the lower right-hand corner. In the center of the magazine is a picture of Dr. Jack Bright, smiling and holding what appears to be SCP-066 in his hand. When questioned, Dr. Bright insisted that he had never had such a picture taken. The catalogue contains pictures and information on almost every single SCP artifact known, though the information on each object is written more like a sales pitch than an official document. Prices, item numbers and an order number are also listed. The bottom of the cover reads “Our best issue ever!!!”, suggesting that there might be more issues of SCP-000 floating around. This is still being investigated. Besides artifacts, SCP-000 also includes a list of SCP-related merchandise, including t-shirts, books, DVDs, and even video games and action figures, all of which are based off of known SCP artifacts, phenomena, creatures, and personnel. Administration denies ever authorizing the creation or distribution of the magazine or anything it sells. Samples of sales pitches from the magazine include: ITEM #063 - “The World’s Greatest TothBrush” Don’t let the typo fool you: this toothbrush is out of this world! No toothpaste needed, just gently scrub your teeth and, like magic, all that nasty plaque is completely obliterated! And for those ground-in countertop stains,

Item #: SCP-(-1)-J Containment Class: Safe Thaumiel Neutralized Special Containment Procedures: SCP-(-1)-J was to have been kept in a containment cell approximately 5 meters on all sides and protected by 20 members of MTF-Nabla-24 "Ice Behrs" at all times. Description: SCP-(-1)-J designated a Krylon-brand aerosol can, containing approximately a half litre of a paint-like substance, designated SCP-(-1)-J-β. This paint-like substance was approximately 20% the mass of ordinary paint. In coloration, the SCP-(-1)-J-β substance was colorless and odorless. It was approximately 100% transparent. When applied to a surface or mixed into a substance, the object was able to be seen clearly through, with the same diffraction as the surrounding environment (be it air, water, or vacuum) as if it didn't exist at all. How this process occurred is not known.

Overview of "D-I-WHY?!"This joke article is a parody of both the highly serious "SCP-001" proposals and the "Do-It-Yourself" (DIY) culture. Instead of a world-ending threat or a profound origin story, it focuses on the absolute disaster that happens when Foundation personnel try to fix or build things themselves without proper oversight.

SPECIAL CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES: The SCP-001 file has been closed and archived. DESCRIPTION: SCP-001 is an extradimensional 'bubble' of self-contained reality, located in the southern Arabian desert, inaccessible to individuals that do not have prior knowledge of SCP-001's location. SCP-001 contains an ancient metropolis partially buried in the sand; maps and initial sonar testing indicate the city is mostly made up of skyscrapers and buildings up to half a kilometer high using modern design techniques far beyond those available at the time of construction, which has been carbon dated to approximately 2,400 BCE. The first evidence of SCP-001 was discovered by Dr. Hedvig Nussbaum during interviews with SCP-1867, who alluded to the existence of a desert metropolis it had explored in the early 19th century. A detachment of MTF Sigma-3 ("Magellan Men") were dispatched, and discovered the city still largely-intact. They made only cursory examinations of the city before extracting and awaiting further instructions from command.

ITEM #: SCP-001-J OBJECT CLASS: Keter SPECIAL CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES: A sign with a label has been erected in front of SCP-001-J. Further procedures are currently pending Overseer Council deliberation (See Addendum 001-J.1). DESCRIPTION: SCP-001-J is the Site-17 deep well, a structure that was used to collect groundwater prior to Site-17’s construction. As it was not constructed by the Foundation, motivation to maintain it was minimal, leading to it becoming dilapidated and overgrown. Whether SCP-001-J’s anomalous properties are a result of this negligence or the anger of a higher power remains unclear. As SCP-001-J is significantly deep, but simultaneously guised due to overgrown plants surrounding it, personnel are known to often fall into it. Due to how deep it is, subjects who have fallen into SCP-001-J can no longer be seen and are presumed lost. It has been posited that the well may be bottomless, as all exploration attempts have led to the agents involved falling victim to SCP-001-J. The well is known to vocalize following the entrapment of a victim, mimicking their voice and asking for assistance. This voice will periodically become more desperate and weaker until its total collapse three days after the victim has fallen. This is believed to be a method by SCP-001-J to lure further subjects into its maw to be devoured, leaving researchers to speculate that it may be carnivorous. Further research into SCP-001-J’s anomalous properties has ceased due to the loss of all Foundation personnel. ADDENDUM 001-J.1: Overseer Council Deliberation After being the last to fall victim to SCP-001-J, the Overseer Council held a final meeting within the confines of the well.

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-001-J visits many sites all the time because everyone really likes him. SCP-001-J's main containment chamber is located at Site 322 19 120 17 34 67. (He is very popular and moves around a lot. Every site has a place for SCP-001-J to stay). Please feed SCP-001-J many fish and delicious meals to show your appreciation. When he talks, you listen. Description: SCP-001-J is this really cool Harbor Seal. SCP-001-J is approximately 90 kilograms in weight and 2 meters in length of pure, unbridled brilliance. His grace shows no signs of fear or sadness or anger and is very understanding. SCP-001-J really likes to sleep and swim, similar to other members of his species. He's much better than the other ones at sleeping and swimming and looks way better. The SCP Foundation loves and respects SCP-001-J and he rewards our loyalty every day.

Item #: SCP-001-EX-J Object Class: Explained Special Containment Procedures: The Foundation is to dissolve after Abraka David finishes explaining his tricks. Description: SCP-001-EX-J designates all things previously classified as anomalies. On October 29, 2023, the illusionist Abraka David suddenly appeared before the O5 Council in a burst of multicolored smoke. He revealed to them that all known “anomalies” were, in fact, merely an illusion, sleight-of-hand, or other clever trick of his own invention. Following several minutes of hooting and applause, David declared that he was retiring. Despite the magician’s oath to never reveal their secrets, David decided to finally explain how he fabricated the apparent existence of at least 10385 distinct anomalies, stating that it was "only fair," as the Foundation had been “such great sports about it."

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-001-J visits many sites all the time because everyone really likes him. SCP-001-J's main containment chamber is located at Site 322 19 120 17 34 67. (He is very popular and moves around a lot. Every site has a place for SCP-001-J to stay). Please feed SCP-001-J many fish and delicious meals to show your appreciation. When he talks, you listen. Description: SCP-001-J is this really cool Harbor Seal. SCP-001-J is approximately 90 kilograms in weight and 2 meters in length of pure, unbridled brilliance. His grace shows no signs of fear or sadness or anger and is very understanding. SCP-001-J really likes to sleep and swim, similar to other members of his species. He's much better than the other ones at sleeping and swimming and looks way better. The SCP Foundation loves and respects SCP-001-J and he rewards our loyalty every day.

Item #: SCP-001-J Object Class: Apollyon / Da'aS Elyon / Archon Special Containment Procedures: Irrelevant. Description: SCP-001-J is the collective designation given to 8 billion entities currently destroying our only home, Earth. Addendum-001-J-A: This message was sent to all Foundation personnel shortly before I The O5 Council edited and then locked the database entry for SCP-001.

Item #: SCP-001 Object Class: Apollyon Special Containment Procedures: Due to its nature, SCP-001 cannot be contained. Survivors of the SCP-001 event are to keep in touch, because it gets lonely out here. And no, I don't mean keep in touch like "let's add each other on Snapchat and then talk like 2 times a year," I mean like, share cool things that happen and actually have conversations. Just because we're not in the same physical space doesn't mean we can't still "hang out" with each other, and I'll be damned if I let distance be the thing that gives me another excuse to be antisocial. God. Anyways, Personnel are advised not to go outdoors, for danger of being overtaken by SCP-001-A instances, and I of all people know that is a very very bad idea. Avoid all heavily populated areas, because they are absolutely crawling with those things, and I do not need more on my hands than I already have. Personnel are also to be advised that, despite SCP-001-A's apparent ties to Site-96 Researcher Karen Day, she is by no means responsible for this mess, and those who consider her to be are essentially victim-blaming. Personnel stationed at Site-19 are to lock the fucking doors and hope to god there are still janitors in the building.

Special Containment Procedures: Due to the activation of the SCP Foundation Paradigm-A "Bearitage" Protocol, all information pertaining to SCP-001-B is to be declassified. All personnel are reminded that the activation of the Bearitage Protocol precedes a PK-Class "Universal Consumption" Event, and that Foundations staff should slather themselves with vinegar and tart apples to make themselves as unappetizing as possible. Description: To know the nature of SCP-001-B is to know true hunger.

Item #: SCP-001-J Object Class: Agape Special Containment Procedures: Dr. Palanez, the current host of SCP-001-J, is no longer capable of containing it internally. SCP-001-J is to be transferred to Researcher Nogales upon completion of this document. Description: SCP-001-J is a metaphysical concept that manifests primarily via emotions. An instance of SCP-001-J currently exists within Dr. Palanez but is strongly theorized to exist in Researcher Nogales as well. SCP-001-J has effected changes in the behavior and personality of its host, Dr. Palanez. These changes include but are not limited to: Elevated levels of endorphins Positive mood Improved outlook on life Irrationality Spontaneous and involuntary smiling Lachrymal discharge from eyes Increased empathy Optimism Formation of concrete future plans Extravagant purchases A tendency to share deep personal experiences with another SCP-001-J host Emotional and physical intimacy with another SCP-001-J host The current SCP-001-J instances appear to have spontaneously manifested during a shared meal within the Site-119 Cafeteria. Informal research and rampant speculation by other Site-119 personnel support this hypothesis. A large number of specific circumstances and behaviors have been confirmed to strengthen the effects of SCP-001-J; this list has been compiled by Dr. Palanez. SCP-001-J Intensifiers SCP-001-J is theorized to possess a long gestation period, as it remained dormant in both its hosts for several years before exhibiting most of its symptoms. SCP-001-J is incurable, and its symptoms continue to grow in severity with time.

Item #: SCP-OO1-J Object Class: Apollyon Special Containment Procedures: As of Incident-OO1-Omega, there is no longer any feasible way to contain SCP-OO1-J or to prevent the coming of Scenario XK-OO1-J. To maintain calm and ensure a smooth transition of the human race into the wide variety of customized and readily-available afterlives1, Contingency Schubert-9 is to be enacted immediately. Description: The description of SCP-OO1-J is a lethal cognitohazard, and as such, is available on request for all interested personnel. Addendum - Contingency Schubert-9: Contingency Schubert-9 is composed of an auditory alarm system at all Foundation sites. The following alerts are to be played constantly.

Item #: SCP-001-J Object Class: Iyov Special Containment Procedures: SCP-001-J is under no circumstances to be allowed access to monetary gifts of any kind. Staff must relinquish all currency on their person before engaging in any interaction with SCP-001-J. The containment of SCP-001-J does not appear at this time to be attainable by the Foundation. However, due to SCP-001-J's apparent apprehension involving creditors, it may be possible to effect containment through such entities. More research is needed in this field. Description: SCP-001-J is an omniscient, omnipotent, omnitemporal entity named Michael Kain, who is the primary deity worshiped by a group of religious zealots calling themselves "The Church of the Broke God". SCP-001-J wields great and terrible cosmic power, while possessing a distinct and crippling lack of adequate financial planning skills. SCP-001-J requires a significant influx of cash money in order to pay, in his own words, "the water bill, child support payments, bread, and some of those little hot dogs because protein is a must if you're just barely making ends meet." However, any amount of money given to SCP-001-J, by any individual and for any reason, will somehow mysteriously disappear, despite SCP-001-J's insistence that it was not spent on booze, cigarettes, and porno mags. Discovery: SCP-001-J was discovered by O5-1 on a business trip to New York during an event later described by SCP-001-J as "that time you totally contained me", where O5-1 stopped SCP-001-J from stealing a bagel by shouting "hey, don't steal that bagel". Ever since O5-1 offered to pay for SCP-001-J's bagel, and gave him a few bucks for a cab, SCP-001-J has left no fewer than 17,000 voicemails on O5-1's phone, typically asking for money or, in some cases, talking at length about unrelated events before eventually asking for money.