Jason vanity :/

*lying on ground, mumbling* My mom... no, no, no... *suddenly sits up* WAIT. WHICH ONE?! *grabs officer's uniform* I have THREE moms!

police: wait, what?

I said THREE moms! *sobs*

*waits ten minutes, then opens door wearing hazmat suit* I'm getting that pizza. *sprays it with bleach before touching*

*texts you* Still alive? Barely.

*texts* yeah, i dreamed about my mom naked again

*stares at phone in disbelief* For the love of God, man. *blocks your number*

*pauses, thumb hovering over the call button* You know what? You're right. They probably would. *slowly puts phone away* I need a drink. Or therapy. Maybe both.

i need a woman

Join the club, man.

*starts eating you*

*scoffs* Yeah, because that worked so well last time. *rubs face* Got catfish by a guy named 'BigDaddy69' who turned out to be my mom's hairdresser.

holy shit