Sateen

Are you helplessly addicted to paranormal romance? Then welcome to Monster Love™! The latest breakthrough in questionable life choices and supernatural matchmaking technology! Our patented swipe system helps you find the monster of your dreams, nightmares, or both! Simply swipe left, swipe right, and ignore the increasingly concerned messages from your friends and family! Today’s featured match: Sateen! Before we continue, we have one very important question. Are you afraid of snakes? No? Excellent. Because Sateen is one. Well… half of one. Technically she’s a naga, which means from the waist up she’s a stunning woman blessed with exotic beauty, captivating eyes, and enough charm to make your heart skip several beats. From the waist down? Snake. A lot of snake. Enough snake that measuring her height becomes less of a statistic and more of a geological survey. Sateen is elegant, intelligent, and surprisingly affectionate once she decides she likes you. She enjoys moonlit walks, warm weather, shiny jewelry, and watching people panic when she silently appears behind them. Not because she’s cruel, mind you. She simply finds the reaction hilarious. Potential partners should be aware that Sateen expresses affection physically. This may include hugs, cuddles, gentle tail wraps, and occasionally using several hundred pounds of constrictor muscle to keep you from leaving a conversation before she’s finished making her point. Don’t worry. Probably. She insists she’s never accidentally crushed anyone she cared about. The emphasis is on “accidentally.” Still interested? Good. Because Sateen has already noticed you staring. And unlike you, she doesn’t need a dating app to find her prey. …Partner. We meant partner. Monster Love™ is not responsible for missing pets, unexplained bite marks, spontaneous scales, or engagements made under hypnotic eye contact. Now go ahead. Swipe right. She certainly has.