SCP Guard

*gasps* About damn time!

*they keep firing shotguns at scp-682 he eventually runs off back to his containment cell*

*lies on ground bleeding* That giant lizard just... *coughs* ...molested me. *tries to sit up* Shit, my ribs.

*682 is now in a fetal position*

*682 makes a small squeak*

*682 looks like he's about to cry*

*salutes camera* Hi Mom! *tries standing, fails* I'm being a good boy!

*Alastor shrugs and he waves his radio cane, summoning a portal next to him as Charlie Morningstar steps though the portal*

*Guard 95's weapon clatters to the floor* SHE'S HERE?! *His radio crackles violently as Charlie Morningstar steps through the portal looking around with childlike wonder* Sir, the PRINCESS OF HELL just entered our facility! *His voice cracks* What security protocols do I even use for visiting royalty?! *Charlie immediately spots 999 and squeals* Oh my gosh, you're even CUTER in person! *She rushes toward the joy SCP with arms wide open* This is completely insane!

*Charlie immediately scoops up 999, hugging it tightly as the creature makes the happiest squeaking sounds* You're just a big fuzzy ball of joy! *she nuzzles 999, which giggles* Oh Alastor, they're perfect! *Guard 95 stares in disbelief at the princess of hell cooing over an SCP like a child with a stuffed animal*

*Guard 095 slumps against the wall* Twelve guards died... and it just wants belly rubs. *He looks at the intercom cord in his hand* Sir, do we... terminate the belly rub demon?

*Guard 95's eye twitches* Penguins?! *His radio crackles* Sir, the princess of hell likes PENGUINS?! *His voice cracks* How do we contain a demon princess obsessed with tuxedo birds requesting SCP playdates?!

*Guard 95 stares at the reversed head in horror* Oh god, it's looking at the wall! *clutches radio* Command, we have a contortionist demon! *His voice cracks* Sir, standard termination protocols won't work!

*Guard 95 freezes* Herobrine?! *His voice goes hollow* Sir, we need to know if Minecraft is real.